What are your influences?

I was reminded this morning about the only certainty in life: there are only two things we can control – our thoughts and our actions.

So, what does that mean in this moment?

Well, I offer a question as answer to that question: what are we allowing to enter our being that influences our thoughts and actions today?

We are constantly blasted with information through the media and the news, a Facebook post, a tweet, an opinion of another about us, stories we tell about our worth or value.

The process: Information is brought into our awareness from some external source. We formulate thoughts in reaction to that information. From there, because our body and mind are really not separate, the thoughts inform our feelings and emotions creating a visceral response to the information; we feel it in our bones. From this experience, we form our beliefs about the world or circumstance or person.

We react from our beliefs. So, how do we control our thoughts and actions? I offer that by practicing mindfulness and being aware of how we are responding to outside stimulus is a start. First, simple observation without judgment. We always are at choice. Slow down then stop. Breathe. Question.

“What do I need to know in this moment? What is mine to do?”

“Am I in radical alignment with my integrity?”

This past Sunday, my husband and I were at a restaurant for lunch and happened to be watching the US Open. The men’s number one seated player, Djkokovic, was injured followed a few moments later by a temper tantrum, which was not the first of the day. In the second tantrum, not looking, he smacked the ball toward the back wall, hitting and injuring a line referee. To me, this illustrated how his thoughts, whatever they were, informed his behavior. Bad behavior, to boot. And, just like that, he was done, complete, finished, out (actually, after great deliberation), because of his inability to control his thinking and actions.

For me, it was a reminder of how easy it is to forget to stay present and mindful to be in control of our behavior. That’s why we practice. We get better and become more agile, enabling ourselves to be responsive, not reactive, mindful, not reflexive.

Today, what will you do in the quiet of your mind to be in control of your thoughts that lead to actions?  

Please remember: You are valued and valuable. Be well.

PS, if interested, here is Djkokovic’s apology, for better or worse. You can also find the replay of the event on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7SVmwNta_s).

“This whole situation has left me really sad and empty. I checked on the lines person and the tournament told me that thank God she is feeling ok. I’m extremely sorry to have caused her such stress. So unintended. So wrong…As for the disqualification, I need to go back within and work on my disappointment and turn this all into a lesson for my growth and evolution as a player and human being. I apologize to the US Open tournament and everyone associated for my behavior. I’m very grateful to my team and family for being my rock support, and my fans for always being there with me. Thank you and I’m so sorry." — Novak Djokovic, via Instagram

Tuesday Tiddlywinks

Tiddlywinks.

Tiddlywinks.

Tiddlywinks.

It’s just kind of a fun word to say. I was trying to come up with a clever title for my Tuesday blog and FB live and this showed up. It’s whimsical and in my memory, very colorful and happy. This is much needed in our world right now. Please understand I am not making light of our conditions or situations, I just find it much easier and more hopeful to navigate the yuck with a bit of levity.

So, here we are. Week one of Tuesday Tiddlywinks. Here we will question big and little questions of life, explore new ways of being, and discover lots of mistakes along the way to help us to be just 1% better tomorrow than we are today.

I had a set of Tiddlywinks when I was a kid. I think I discovered them in my stocking Christmas morning when I was eight. They came in a mushroom, white base with a polka-dotted red top that unscrewed to reveal the colorful disks. I had no idea the game of Tiddlywinks was as widespread as the 1880s Victorian Era as a parlor game and Cambridge University as a competitive game in the 1950s. And, I am quite certain, I didn’t read the game rules or consider the language of Tiddlywinks! More likely, I used the mushroom as a chair for my Barbie dolls.

So, the research began. I love the Tiddlywinks lexicon. I kinda feel I’m in a Harry Potter world for as much sense as the words make. (tiddlywinks.com)

Enjoy.

Blitz/ Bomb/ Boondock/ Bristol/ Carnovsky/ Penhaligon/ Cracker/ Crud/ Good shot/ Gromp/ Lunch/ Scrunge/ Squidger/ Squop/ Sub/ Tiddlies

Who knew?

The object of the game is to get all of your winks in the center pot. Much like rolling dice, the winks are scattered on the table surface and the players take turns flipping a wink toward the pot. The first one with all their winks in the pot wins the game. But there is a sinister aspect to the game. If you cover your opponent’s wink, you keep them from flipping it until you’ve uncovered it. Okay, maybe not sinister, just strategic.

Isn’t life right now a little like playing Tiddlywinks?

We’ve been shaken out onto the table and we still have goals and desires we are working toward. Sometimes we make it into the center, sometimes overshoot it the center and we land on the floor. But always, we pick ourselves up and keep trying. Sometimes it feels as if the weight of the world is so profound it covers us and we feel we can’t move. It is then that we can seek the help of others. Not to commiserate (well, maybe a bit cuz sometimes It does help to share our struggles and fears, knowing we are not alone/crazy) but to remind each other that there is goodness in the world and we are resilient and strong and fragile and hurting. We struggle because we are compassionate and witness the injustice in the world. And I, quite often, feel helpless and powerless. We find solace when we connect with another, when we go within, and remember, “This too shall pass,” recognizing the path may not be easy and it may take time.

But hang in there.

Here’s a practice for you this week to work on mindfulness for resiliency in the face of all that is going on.

• Allow yourself a moment or two of quiet, focus on your breath.

  • First, exhale completely, allowing your internal space to become empty, open, and prepared to be filled. Hold the emptiness for a moment.

  • Inhale, slowly, deeply, allowing the breath to fill your entire abdomen. Hold for a moment.

  • Repeat as many times as necessary to allow your body, mind, and spirit to simply BE. BE in this moment, BE in this time.

• When ready, ask yourself: What do I need to know in this moment?

  • In quiet expectancy, simply wait. Take a few breaths. Your answer may come in this moment or it may reveal later, as a thought, a feeling, a color or sensation. It may arrive while you are brushing your teeth or in the produce area of the grocery store. Simply be aware and open to the answer.

• Then ask yourself: What is mine to do?

  • Again, in quiet expectancy, simply wait. You will know when you know.

• The third step is to take action. DO something mindfully according to what you now know. It may look like sitting longer in quiet contemplation, it may be taking tangible action in the world, it may look like making a phone call or offering an apology. You will know what action to take.

  • Doing this simple mindful practice allows you to navigate your world with a bit more mindfulness and awareness of the impact you have in this life.

    Be well, Dear One. Love you more.  

Living Change

Boy, what a ride life is! I am in the midst of living this whole topic of change and transition and am now in the creamy middle, in the neutral zone. Through this time, I have written a rough draft of a five-chapter book and am ready to move into the second draft. In the meantime, here is a story I wrote in the writer’s workshop. As you can probably imagine, writing it was cathartic and healing.

More on change and transition over the next few months as I continue to live the experience…

Please let me know you’ve visited by leaving a comment below.

As always, love to you.

Forgiveness.

We had never met in person. Latoya spotted me easily, sitting scrunched into the corner of the front row. I was the only one in business attire beside the attorneys buzzing about in the courtroom gallery. As she approached me, I also knew her. She, the Victim’s Advocate, to whom I had spoken many times on the phone. “I am so sorry for your loss and I know Arlene would be very proud of you and the choices you’ve made. You represent the family so graciously.” A few words later, she returned to her computer across the room, stopping to whisper in the DA’s ear, pointing in my direction.

“Would you like to read your victim impact statement to the court?” the DA asked as she introduced herself. I chuckled.  “Only if we have three hours cuz that’s as long as it would take, considering I’d have to stop for sobbing.”

Latoya sat on the bench in front of me, holding my hand. “He’s over there. We gave him a copy of the letter to read before he’s called up for his plea and sentencing,” she said softly. “He’s going to plead guilty.”

“Okay,” I croaked.  

My hands were sweating, I knew I should have eaten something before the stressful drive into downtown Denver, construction everywhere and parking horribly scarce. The caffeine jitters or was it sitting in a chaotic court room that dropped me into fight or flight or puke, making my hands shake and my voice quiver? “Oh, god,” I sighed.

Lawyers whispering to their clients, the court clerk hollering case numbers and calling defendants. The judge asking questions, granting continuances, and dolling out sentences. The noise. Almost too much for me to take; the crimes that the defendants were defending shocked and sometimes disgusted me.

“The underbelly of society,” I thought to myself.

His name was called. He stepped to the podium. My heart fell. There he is. “He’s so young and so scared,” I thought. “Hold it together, Claudia. Hold it together,” my eyes burning, my mouth dry as memories of the past few months surfaced with fury and grief.

“Basketball shorts, a t-shirt, and a baseball hat? Really? Someone needs to tell this boy how to dress for court,” I judged.

The DA read the charges. Accidental death and vehicular homicide. A few more questions from the judge. Answers softly given by him.

“Does the victim representative wish to give a statement?” the judge inquired.

“Yes, your honor, in the form of an impact statement that I will read on behalf of Mrs. Milner,” offered the DA.

She read my words, sharing my pain, my sorrow and grief to a room full of strangers. Arlene’s death was not inconsequential. She was the mother of seven, lots of grandkids, about to turn 90 in four months. My mother in law was a gentle and generous woman cherished by many. The murmuring of the room softened. Eyes and ears were focused on the DA reading my letter. Only a very few hushed conversations continued while she read. She found it necessary to stop now and again to regain her own composure. Even the judge stopped doing her judgy things and turned her attention to the DA.  

“This is for you, Arlene. You are being honored through this silence of strangers.”

The judge asked him if he would like to say anything to me.

Tearily, he said, “Yes, but I’d like to do it in private.”

“Ahh, shit!” I thought. I hadn’t wanted to actually meet him face to face. I was just there to honor Arlene and witness his sentencing.

Latoya looked into my wide eyes with gentle kindness and assurance. She silently ushered me out of the courtroom, into the bustling hallway. She steered me around a corner into a tiny conference room. We waited.

“You know,” shared Latoya, “we read your letter in the office the other day and there was not a dry eye. We have never seen anything like this before.”

Willing my lungs to inhale I questioned, “What? Why? I want him to know I know this was an accident and, although we all will live with the consequences of that moment for the rest of our lives, I expect for him move beyond this trauma, to be a good person, live a good life and be a good dad. I want him to know I expect him to do good things in his life because of AND in spite of this, to not let it be an excuse for not living himself. Arlene now lives through him. He has so many challenges ahead of him. I want him to be as free as he can be to make good choices, to make sure Arlene’s death also makes a difference. And, for him to live this life I expect of him, I want him to know he also must forgive himself.”

As I stood to grab a Kleenex, the DA opened the door.

Forgiveness has given me the ability to heal, little by little. What lightness do you seek through forgiveness?

Illusions

Ever have that visceral feeling in your gut and bones? A still, quiet voice booming in your heart, telling you that you are meant to do something but you’re not quite sure…no, you are absolutely sure what it IS…you just don’t know how to do it or get there?

Join me as I share my adventure from knowing to becoming and being. Perhaps you’ll be saying, “Yes! That’s exactly how I feel!” or “What the heck does she think she’s doing?” Either way, or somewhere in between, come along for the ride!

Imagine reading a book in high school that was so profound you’ve read it nearly a thousand times already (okay, an exaggeration, to be sure, but you know what I mean…) because the words inspired you at times and pulled you from the depths at others. A book that comforts, confounds, and pisses you off at the same time. A book that becomes, in a manner, your personal bible.

Let me introduce you to Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, by Richard Bach.

Illusions. My friend, my foe, my companion, my critic – each time I read it, it either matches my perspective (friend and companion) or causes me to a take a breath and reconsider what the hell I am thinking (foe and critic).

Chapter One is a parable.

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river…each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.

The parable goes on to say that one creature had the courage to let go and let the current take it. The others thought he was crazy to do such a thing and yes, he was bruised for his courage but soon learned that as he released his resistance, the current supported him, to be buoyant thus avoiding the rocks and sticks.

(Ya just have to read the whole thing on your own. It is so good and so speaks to LIFE!)

Anyway, in translation I’ve always gotten the message, “Just let go! The universe has your back!!!” Oh, how I would like to simply let go…

Yes, of course, the answer is always YES, the universe always has my back…AND…

And. In this moment, I have needs for security and have made agreements, and, I also have choice.

(Oh, crap. Choice is another of the big lessons in the book. Darn it, it is always up to me, isn’t it?)

So, I choose to take time, to mindfully work toward my aspirations and examine challenges that keep me from reaching them, to work on uncovering beliefs, and to decide which serve me and which to release. Perhaps the analogy here is: the beliefs I can and need to release are those of lack and limitation - let them swim off and be gone.

Nonetheless, here is where I begin. You are invited and welcome as a companion traveler. This quote (page 100), believe me, has been with me for oh, so many years and is quite fitting to share here:

“Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.”

What limitations are you examining right now?

What beliefs do you hold that keep you hanging onto the rocks and stones?

Happy Trails, Dear One.

In love, Claudia

Check out how old this copyright is:

Bach, Richard. Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah. New York: Dell Publishing Co., Inc. 1977.